Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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