I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
