My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
