somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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