I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We talked him into tasing himself.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
