I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
