They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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