Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
