ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
