i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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