her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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