if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
