i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
