i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
