I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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