i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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