ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
