What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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