I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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