I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
