The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
