onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
