Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
