i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
