can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
