Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
