PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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