just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
