Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
