I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
