that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
