Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
