just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
