didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
