Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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