I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
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