When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
