Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
