My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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