I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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