He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
