it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
