Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
