Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
