people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
