I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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