WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
