It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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