I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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