I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
