If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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